Six Ways you Broke Boundaries last year and how you can do better in 2023. Part One
Respecting your partner’s limits must be evident in the words, body language and tone of your conversations.
I just wanna be heard.
Therapists say that the most common complaint that women have is, “He doesn’t listen to me,” and men say, “ I don’t understand her.”
I am a Therapist and have a ringside seat to the many ways you breach your SO’s boundaries in communication. The following three articles discuss the breaking of boundaries when you shut down communication, when you maintain a one-sided relationship, and when you are entitled.
In this first of three articles about Unhealthy Boundaries learn the ways you leave a painful imprint on your SO and how you can do better.
1. You shut down communication.
You won’t let them talk.
Your mate wants to solve the issues between you, share knowledge, and understand you better, but you walk away or avoid them. When it happens repeatedly, they are at a disadvantage in healthy relating and will likely resort to a pattern similar to yours or otherwise hurtful. You see, unhealthy boundaries will flow in two directions with them also ignoring your limits, needs, and preferences.
When this happens, life is a struggle and you hear yourself saying (or thinking) “I don’t understand them,” or “I can’t seem to make him/her happy.”
You won't talk to them.
Having made every effort to open up, and work things out you punish or control your SO by silence or disengagement. They ask a question and you don’t answer. Or worse, you are actively hostile. If you have a good reason for holding back, say what it is and offer an alternative.
You tune out and withdraw.
They can sense it and see it but the net result is that your disinterest and discomfort in a discussion leave the relationship in a deficit and your SO is stuck and making assumptions that lead to misunderstanding. A relationship boundary involves communicating your special needs, and your side of the equation, proactively or as they arise. So when you withdraw, your SO is at a stalemate or makes decisions for and without you. Creating bigger problems later.
You change the subject.
Another subtle way you say “No” to your partner is to change the subject. Perhaps you accuse them of something unrelated or divert their attention with a new subject matter, but the result is that you discuss only what is important to you. Another way of saying to them,” What you want doesn’t matter.”
You dish out the silent treatment.
Do you eliminate disagreement and control your partner’s point of view by striking out with the silent treatment? Sadly this punch delivers hurt and frustration and teaches the receiver they mustn’t think independently and will be loved only when they agree with you.
After a season or two of loneliness, the relationship feels like the glass that slipped through your fingers and you fear that one of you will call it quits.
You use negative body language.
Do you roll your eyes, walk away mid-sentence, storm off, or treat them to the cold shoulder? Or, more subtly, do you refuse eye contact or manufacture a silly smile that says, “I don’t care?” If so you have disabled relationship building. Your negative body language communicates disrespect and sidelines your SO’s boundaries.
Not every instance of asking for a pause in communication is a boundary violation. It is good judgment for you to request a time out when your debate is intense, or prolonged or if you want to digest new information. If that is the case, use the following guidelines for time-outs:
Suggest a specific time to reconvene and follow up, so your SO knows your request is not a ploy to escape.
Agree in advance on what you do in a timeout and be sensitive in calling one. For example, calling a timeout to go for a walk or do a household chore may be more thoughtful than a timeout to engage with friends.
Your SO needs to believe that the timeout is for the benefit of the relationship.
It’s also reasonable to request rules of engagement that serve a purpose. Notice the things that don’t work for you and set that boundary. Some examples are:
Let’s avoid late-evening discussions.
Can we limit our chats to 30 minutes?
Can we cover one topic in each discussion?
It may be that communication was never discussed or forgotten in the shuffle of children, careers, and social life. But without it, you are in a gridlock of disrespect and personal anguish. Theirs and yours. You have a choice. Say, “It is what it is” or tap your SO on the shoulder and tell them you are curious about the topic you recently dismissed. Show them that you care what they need or prefer. The time is now before your relationship sinks to a place of no return.
Follow these best steps to enable healthy communication and meet individual and relationship needs.
Contract with your SO to have a relationship with healthy boundaries. Communicate assertively and with clarity.
Be clear and as direct as possible.
Do not raise your voice, use profanity, or name-call.
State needs and requests.
Listen attentively. Ask questions.
Accept uncomfortable emotions such as guilt, shame, or remorse.
2. Release any expectation to be right or to win.
You may survive with disrespectful communication and keeping the relationship off balance. You may stay together for a season in chaos and inconsistency.
But if you seek to thrive and live in compassion, empathy, and kindness; in acceptance, equity, and love you cannot tolerate or be the source of boundarylessness. Healthy boundaries are the foundation of a healthy relationship.