Nine Things You Must Do to Build Trust Back after a Breach

You have messed up and your Significant Other (SO) is hurt. You aren’t sure where you stand, what the future holds, and what you have to do. What I know for sure is you need to reduce the chaos and return to coherence. For them, for you, and for the relationship.

Yes, some actions are more heinous than others and cheating on your SO is not in the same category as losing money at the casino. Lying is not the same as yelling at the kids. Nor are the consequences. And your partner will cry harder about one than the other. But when the dust settles, the ball of disappointment, hurt, and pain all fit into the basket of broken trust. So significant is the pain that your spouse will mourn/grieve the relationship as if you had died. The truth is, the quality of the love they once knew has ended and at this moment they have nothing to replace it with.

1. Say “I am sorry” and mean it.

Your SO may flinch if you are casual with an apology but they begin to listen when you validate their feelings and acknowledge the harm you have done. Let’s unpack the apology-reset connection and see why saying these three words is essential.

• An earnest apology validates and justifies the person wronged, restoring their value. It opens the door to mutual compassion and empathy.

• Saying you are sorry restores trust and belief that a relationship with you is viable and safe. Since safety is significant to connection, your bond grows stronger.

• A genuine apology resolves one person’s hurt and the other’s guilt. It opens the door to forgiveness and ends resentment.

• Without an apology, there is no effective conflict resolution or problem-solving.

Your apology is all about your wronged SO and not a way to end an argument, avoid healthy confrontation, and silence your SO. Take responsibility, avoid defensive responses, submission, or over apologizing. You won’t inspire trust and it isn’t fair to tweak your SO’s emotions in your favor.

You may be so uncomfortable with your SO’s tears and recriminations and tempted to walk away, look away or change the subject. Don’t do it. Their distress is justified and you support them by waiting or holding.

Apologize emphatically and empathically.

In many years of face-to-face counseling, I have witnessed apologies made defensively, grudgingly, casually, carelessly, or so qualified as to be meaningless. Do not initiate an apology unless you are all in and prepared to set aside your selfish interests and engage empathically with the other. To do otherwise leaves your partner feeling more betrayed and insignificant.

A stand-alone, “I am sorry,” may be all you need to say for a minor infraction. But when you have done severe harm, you need more. At that point “I am sorry” must be followed with an expansion that describes the damage you have done and an acknowledgment of how much you have hurt the other person.

Example: “I am sorry that I lied about staying late at work. I can understand why you felt betrayed when you found out I had drinks with friends. Lying was a poor choice that I won’t make again.

2. Don’t make excuses.

Take the initiative and own up as soon as possible after an offense, respecting the other person’s need to simmer before further discussion. If some time has already passed, don’t hesitate any longer.

3. Be sincere.

Eye contact, facial expressions, and body language must mirror the content of a heartfelt apology.

Remove your EGO from the apology and avoid the excuses that will do your apology irreparable harm. Such as the following:

Why do I have to say I am sorry?

You are wrong too.

I am not entirely wrong.

You should apologize first.

It’s not a big deal.

I have had to get over worse things.

Can you say “I am sorry” without changing your behavior? When is saying “I am sorry” an abuse of the other person’s good nature? A couple must decide if the apology is a tactic to stall or genuine remorse and the forerunner of needed change.

4. Make amends. Take initiative.

If you listen closely, your SO is saying what they need to heal. There is something they want you to do and say. If this is not the case, make your best suggestion and follow through. Words without actions will fall flat and taking initiative is priceless.

5. Show you can be trusted.

Taking the initiative to repair a breach is only the beginning of right actions as your SO needs you to be consistent and thorough. Let’s say your betrayal involved regular, secret lunches with a co-worker or your SO discovered your Friday night team meetings were an excuse for a night out. Will you demonstrate trust by ending lunches or the night out and copy your SO on that message?

6. Answer their questions.

If you are in the habit of avoiding the elephant in the room, stop now. Your wounded partner may need to ask questions for longer than you consider reasonable and want facts that you know aren’t helpful. If those details help them to see a clear picture, give answers as long as needed. It is less about good logic and more about their healing.

7. Communicate in a new way.

I am guessing a betrayal might not have happened if your relationship was vibrant, fun, and connected; and if you woke up each morning saying how happy you were to be together, and how smart and attractive they were. So when the dust settles and you are talking again, it is time to be kind and admiring, send texts with heart emojis, and have the conversations you neglected for too long. Ask questions so you know their favorite color, music, hopes, and dreams.

Some of those talks must be serious and tough to help you improve awareness and understand where you failed. Others will help you refocus. This is a great time to craft a Relationship Vision that anchors your path forward.

8. Be vulnerable.

Sadly too many of us wait for a crisis to discover openness that makes for a rock-solid connection. So we exist in surface relationships that are unsatisfying and unconsciously seek the depth and closeness we could have with the one at home, sitting next to you. It’s not too late to begin despite your fear of being judged, criticized even rejected.

Start small. Let your SO see your imperfections, and tell them when you are down and have made mistakes. Share your painful past.

Tell them about your thoughts and beliefs and enquire about theirs. Share your feelings, both the good and bad even letting them know when they have hurt you.

9. Renew connection.

When the initial crisis is over, rebuilding after a breach is a step-by-step process that you integrate into your relationship, as needed. Sincere apologies, amends, demonstrating trust, answering questions, healthy conversations, and vulnerability are all for the purpose of supporting your SO while renewing your connection. Nothing is more important.

Connection is alignment and intimacy based on availability, responsiveness, mattering, and safety. I use the acronym ARMS to describe connection.

An ARMS open attitude says I am available to you, I will be responsive to you, you matter the most and I will stay close to you.

When you lock eyes across a room, signal admiration and tenderness, and find comfort in holding, you answer the question - are you available to me?

When you listen attentively and ask about an expression, their frustration, and needs, you say; I am here for you.

When you show interest in their likes, ideas, hobbies, and personality, you signal responsiveness.

When you make personal and family decisions only after mutual agreement, You tell them they matter. When you stand up for each other, you demonstrate that he/she matters to you and those actions say, You are worthy.

When you prioritize your partner’s needs above work, friends, and family, you have assured them that you will stay close. When you can see and feel attachment in your partner’s eyes, touch, and tone, you know they are close.

Build Back Better.

When the relationship is more stable, spend some time on your own inner work and seek out a therapist if you need help. It isn't enough to rebuild, your relationship needs protective gear and your SO wants to know that your metamorphosis is complete and you are incapable of past wrongs. You are tasked to give your SO something/someone new to love.

Trust can’t be measured.

The big question is why the betrayal happened. Release harmful beliefs, strengthen self-esteem and learn the habit of truthtelling. Trust can’t be measured in droplets or bucketfulls, so never say to your partner, “it was only this…or just that.” ‘Only’ and ‘just’ minimizes your actions and responsibility.