Six Ways you Broke Boundaries last year and how you can do better in 2023. Part Two
Your decision to be fair and vulnerable allows your partner to have a voice.
The number of hours you spend together, your expectations of your “One and only” increases the potential to cross more lines than in any other relationship and make boundaries in an intimate relationship more consequential. So relaxing into your relationship must not mean that you take them for granted or lose esteem for them as individuals. Respecting their rights, mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually is an act of love.
Besides communication breaches, you block healthy boundaries by creating a power imbalance. The best example of this is when you behave in a way that limits your SO and maximizes your autonomy. The result is they consistently give in, you don’t listen and negotiate or make an effort to understand their needs. I know it is hard to see yourself as the bad guy but this is time to say, “Something is wrong with this picture.”
Here are a few examples of the behaviors and mindsets involved in a power imbalance.
You maintain a one-sided relationship.
You are passive-aggressive.
Speaking up directly, making requests, and even arguing your point is the healthy way to communicate in a relationship while procrastination or convenient forgetting is a breach of boundaries. You may have a good reason for this indirect communication. Perhaps your partner is stubborn, sulky, or complex, and being passive-aggressive is less stressful, and gets you the result you want and a chance to poke back. But shutting down your one and only is serious as it breeds resentment, and compromises family life and your well-being.
You dismiss, minimize or gaslight.
If you say, “You need to get over it,” “ Just stop worrying,” or “You are making this a big deal,” your SO feels insignificant and questions the issue they are standing up for. And no matter how subtle you are, if you suggest that their preferences, judgments, and perspective are faulty, they feel inadequate and worry about their mental health. Your SO depends on your validation and encouragement to keep an even keel so be cautious about how you interpret them as wrong and you as right.
You keep them on their toes.
This may sound like a compliment but if your SO is compliant and pleasing you to keep the relationship moving in the right direction, their boundary lines are shattered. If they say, “I am sorry,” at the smallest infraction, check-in and fret about the next issue, your anger or bad moods, you are dangerously zealous and demanding of them. They should not have to labor to gain your approval. With a focus skewed negatively toward their faults and favorably to your assets, you are a long way from a sound relationship with healthy boundaries.
They walk on eggshells around you.
Equally challenging for boundary setting is when your partner is obliged to swallow their feelings because you are so fragile, easily hurt, or poised to erupt. Like the explosive or demanding partner, the extreme expressions of your emotions will crowd out their requests, wants, and needs.
You have untreated mental health problems.
If you won’t seek treatment and refuse to acknowledge the negativity associated with your mental health, your partner is facing a daily struggle. As long as you keep your SO in “one day at a time” survival mode, neither of you will enjoy healthy boundaries.
They feel responsible for fixing and saving you.
When your SO once again puts their needs on the back burner and shelves their preferences to take care of you, you are codependent or getting there. You may resent my saying this because you can’t imagine being in any other type of relationship. You believe you need the financial, and emotional “saving” but an enmeshed and codependent couple is unhealthy. Codependence promotes and maintains such inequality that the only hope for either of you is to extricate and start over.
In a relationship where your SO has to do the hard work and accommodate you either physically, mentally, emotionally, or sexually you have created a power imbalance. If they have to beg you to drink less, clean up more, or if they have to put up with a relationship that is less than fair, you are on rocky ground. They will tire of looking on your bright side while ignoring their own. Make a fresh commitment and follow through with the following guidelines.
Instead of another apology, surprise your SO with a genuine interest in their needs. Ask questions so you can understand them better.
Tell them you want to be accountable for good boundaries and ask them to tell you when you overlook their needs.
Cultivate self-awareness. Each day list how you ignore boundaries.
Seek a therapist if you need help understanding where you are overstepping.