I am A relationship therapist, here is my Playbook of healthy boundaries

Boundaries won’t solve every couple’s complaint about personality differences, but it is a solid start to making you happier, mutually respectful and modelling a healthy family life.


Rule #1

I am me and you are you. I may not agree with you, but I must respect your right to make choices. Just as you live inside your own skin, your personality, preferences, character, and choices live inside you and belong to you. You are responsible for you and only you. You are not responsible for your spouse, parent, sibling, friends, or even your children. Especially adolescent or adult children! Notice their defensive reaction or outburst when you “tell” what to do. Notice how you bristle when someone orders or forces their opinion and preferences on you. With the exception of small children, power of attorney, or immediate crisis, the solution is to make your own decisions and respect those of others.

We often feel pressure from society or loved ones to make certain decisions, even if they don’t align with our values or desires. It’s important to remember that we are all individuals with different experiences, beliefs, and goals. By respecting each other’s autonomy, we create a more inclusive and compassionate world. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. The key is to remember that ultimately, the decision is yours to make. Trust yourself and your own judgment, and don’t let anyone else dictate your path in life.

So let’s celebrate our differences and embrace the beauty of individuality.

Remember, you are you and I am me, and that’s something to be proud of!

Rule #2

Let others be responsible for their own needs, wants, and desires. Do you have a tendency to solve the other person’s problems, to have a solution before the other person recognizes the problem or rescues it? Be responsible to others and not for them.

It’s important to recognize the difference between being responsible to someone and being responsible for them. Being responsible to someone means offering support and guidance, listening to their concerns, and helping them find solutions to their problems. On the other hand, being responsible for someone means taking on their problems as your own, trying to control their decisions, and ultimately hindering their personal growth.

It’s crucial to let others take responsibility for their own needs, wants, and desires. This not only empowers them to make their own choices but also allows them to focus on their own responsibilities and needs. Offering support and guidance is a kind and helpful gesture, but we must remember to let others take ownership of their own lives.

So next time you find yourself wanting to solve someone else’s problems, take a step back and remember to be responsible to them, not for them.

Rule #3

Address issues when or as they come up. Notice any tendency to avoid topics of disagreement, subjects you are self-conscious or anxious about. Notice the other person’s body language and facial expressions and respond as if they are words. Risk some disagreement.

Communication is a key aspect of any relationship, whether it be personal or professional. It is important to address issues as they arise in order to prevent further complications down the line. It can be tempting to avoid topics of disagreement or subjects that make us feel self-conscious or anxious, but this can ultimately be harmful to the relationship.

When communicating with others, it is important to pay attention to their body language and facial expressions. These nonverbal cues can often convey more than words can. Responding to them can help to create a more open and honest dialogue.

Rule #4

Accept that guilt, shame, and fear are part of speaking up. These emotions can bring a range of symptoms that are so uncomfortable you want nothing more than escape. It may be a heart that is pounding, sweat beads on the forehead, tightness in the throat, fuzzy lack of focus, or even panic. You may freeze up or want to lash out angrily. Remind yourself “I won’t die, this feeling won’t last”. Wait for the emotions to subside or learn to distract yourself. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

These emotions can manifest in physical symptoms that can make it challenging to articulate your thoughts. Nevertheless, it is crucial to recognize that these feelings do not define you and that you have the power to overcome them.

Remember that speaking up is not about being perfect or having all the answers. It is about having the courage to express your opinion and make your voice heard. Embrace the discomfort and use it as a catalyst for growth and empowerment.

By confronting your fears and breaking through the barriers that hold you back, you can unlock a world of possibilities and create positive change in your life and the world around you.

Rule #5

Boundaries are not an excuse to isolate and exclude. We need others. Boundaries are not meant to keep others away, keep you distant and unavailable or promote separation. They are to help you gain freedom and strength to better serve. They are meant to encourage connected even intimate relationships of your choices. Boundaries are you reasonable rules and expectations based on mutual respect, kindness, and care for each other. When we learn to honour love and protect ourselves, we are better able to do the same for others.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, but it's important to remember that they are a form of self-care.

By clearly communicating your needs and expectations, you are allowing yourself to prioritize your well-being while still maintaining healthy relationships with others.

Boundaries can help prevent burnout, resentment, and emotional exhaustion. When done in a respectful and compassionate way, setting boundaries can actually strengthen relationships by fostering open communication and mutual respect.
So don't be afraid to set boundaries and prioritize your well-being. You deserve it!