Resentment begins as the deep hurt at being treated unfairly, quickly becomes a mental rehearsal and when allowed to settle, it is toxic to our inner lives and our relationships. Resentment is visible in your tone, word, glance and is the hidden agenda behind many a broken relationship. Have you said, “I don’t know why, I just can’t hug him/her?”
The bottom line truth is that the big R doesn’t change the person we resent, resolve conflict or justify us. Instead it keeps us stuck in a victim mentality, blocks us from growth towards positivity and worst of all- chained to the other person as they dominate too many of our thoughts or subconscious drives.
Sometimes our resentment is a result of a hurtful incident that REALLY happened.
Other times it is a result of IMAGINED wrongs that have become real in your mind.
Resentment can be deleted. It is not a question of CAN you but WILL you.
Do you WANT to live free of bitterness, jealousy and hurt?
Do you want to feel kindness, delight and happiness?
Neuroplasticity teaches us that it is possible to change negative patterns of thinking and behaving and to develop new mindsets, new skills, and new abilities in much the same way that a golf and basketball player improves his game, or a budding musician masters his instrument. Repetition of the new habit and thought changes the activity and physical aspects of specific brain areas and changes how you feel and behave.
That’s right! Your mindset and beliefs are formed or changed and reinforced as neurons fire together.
As powerful as it is to have neurons firing repeated messages of positivity about the person you formerly resented, you need something more than this. It is called WILL. You must decide to live resentment free. Justified or not it doesn’t matter. Resentment clouds your mind and soul, destroys relationships and leads to bitterness and hatred. If resentment serves to feed your ego or keeps you a victim it will diminish personal growth. This decision isn’t easy but it is possible.
Read further if you are ready to delete a resentment.
Do you agree to release victimhood and embrace personal responsibility?
Do you agree to optimal mental health/and a healthy thought life.
- List the resentments you have of your SO. Write a paragraph that describes each incident and how it affected you. Writing down your thoughts bring clarity that does not exist when those same thoughts cycle inside your mind.
- Take each incident and consider if you contributed anything to cause or make the situation worse. Write this down.
- Be ready to take personal responsibility and admit your part.
- Decide to live resentment free.
- Forgiveness is an active process so don’t expect to “feel something” when you forgive. Like love, compassion, kindness, tenderness, humility etc. forgiveness is a spiritual discipline. It does not exist outside of one human heart to another. The person you forgive, needs you to release them as much as you benefit from the release.
- Seek the other person’s well-being. As you repeatedly seek the health and wellbeing of the person you resent, you are free. You can do this by praying for the other person, sending positive thoughts, smiling when you think of them or doing something practical and helpful to them.
Since it is unlikely that you will maintain opposite emotions about the same incident or person, the big goal is to cultivate positive emotions and delete the negative unwanted ones.
“AA has taught me that I will have peace of mind in exact proportion to the peace of mind I bring into the lives of other people.” Unknown
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