Discard entitlement and practice equal give and take.
You are entitled.
You entered the world with a silver spoon and your first words were “mine” and “more.” Or you learned from a boundaryless caregiver how to tip the scales and gain the upper hand. Or your privilege came from good looks, smarts, favor, or even illness. There are many reasons you believe the world revolves around you, especially if you are gifted. But there is only one disastrous outcome for the one who loves you. The loss of their personhood.
You are a taker and not a giver.
Takers have one thing in common. They are self-focused and have a knack for pairing with a generous mate whose needs are fulfilled by giving. Already you can see the risk to boundaries as you unconsciously look for more, and minimize your mate’s contribution. Your SO, though happy in your shade, also needs your consistent nurture and care and will one day awaken to connection burnout, and an unbalanced relationship. This is not what you want.
You have a fragile ego and no vulnerability.
With a fragile ego, you long to be accepted and loved, and fear being alone. So you live in the tension of keeping your SO close while asserting yourself more than you need to. The trouble with maintaining the facade of confidence is a disadvantage to your SO. They rarely hear, “ You are right.” They don’t hear the positive “You” as often as they hear the word “I.” You will ultimately fail in getting the love you want because your default is to defensively refuse to take responsibility. Instead you project blame, and manufacture a veneer of invulnerability. Your SO worries that you think of yourself first and only and don’t see them as worthwhile. They may have heard you tell your friends, “I deserve better.”
You don’t say “yes” or hear “no.”
Your SO will compensate, make excuses, and do whatever they need to have a smooth ride. They may already have learned to “do it all” and are resigned to a life on your terms. They may be openly angry, reactive, and defensive, or live in a state of unspoken sadness.
Entitlement accomplishes the opposite of what you want. Case Western Reserve University researchers found that entitled people are more likely to experience chronic disappointment and unmet expectations.
Asking you to identify entitlement will take some digging. None of us want to believe we are less than perfect. How entitled. But we can’t help but be influenced by a society that sells us on the fact that we are a part of a special group who are “Worth it.”
To the extent that we buy this belief, we are less grateful, less empathetic, and prone to victimhood. And our partner’s default to being less worthy. How can we change this?
Recognize the feeling of entitlement. Catch yourself in the act of feeling entitled.
Reinforce your awareness of entitlement by journaling how you have affected your SO. And others.
Restore right thinking. We are inherently equal and don’t deserve more than anyone else.
Practice focusing on how grateful you are for your SO. Write 3 lines, paragraphs, or pages daily.
Consider volunteering.
Practice self-compassion and esteem-building.
Your relationship doesn’t need to be perfect or problem free but it needs the guardrails that keep it from falling apart. With these structures in place and well maintained, you know how to act and what to expect; how to give and get what you need and keep the relationship blooming. With the rails in place, you are not afraid to say the wrong thing, and you keep intact the connection that touches and holds tenderly.
Part One of the conversation on boundaries discussed how healthy communication show respect for your partner’s limits, part two highlighted the need for your partner to have a voice and part three emphasized the practice of equal give and take. From this secure seat, you handle your responsibilities shoulder to shoulder, navigate ups and downs, and cry and laugh together. You do life well and have what we all want, the groundwork for love and happiness.