Our relationships may be falling apart by much talking and little hearing. We can end this with a little effort
When their relationship is falling apart, a couple’s pain point is frequently expressed as they don’t hear me. In other words, I am speaking but they aren’t listening, and if they are hearing, they don’t acknowledge what I have said. And nothing changes.
A couple cycling through such conversations becomes more frustrated with each other and at least one of them believes the relationship is in trouble.
An unfortunate byproduct of conversations that don’t travel from ears to heart and mind is the inaction that follows. So your hurts, disappointments, fears, or differences are untended and the opportunities to compliment, provide comfort, and share dreams are neglected. You become resentful, critical, and harsh and start a cycle of negativity in your home. It is time to eliminate ineffective conversations and ensure your loved one truly hears you.
Having better conversations.
Since one old English translation of the word conversation is “turning with,” I hope we can use this image of a couple, as inspiration to turn with, talk, and truly hear. The idea is to respect and care about our partner’s understanding, being heard, and relationship health so much that we are willing to make the needed changes.
Turning with #1. Ask permission.
If you are like me when you want to say something you do it right away! That may be okay if you are sharing exciting news but for a conversation that requires their attention, it is better to ask when is a good time. If they are distracted by sports, their favorite Netflix series or tinkering with the car, they will appreciate you saying,
“I want to talk about parenting, do you have a few minutes?” Asking for permission tells your SO that you respect and value their time.
Turning with #2. Pause so they can speak.
Your SO may not digest new information or see your POV as quickly as you expect. So imagine that a conversation is a dance of two people moving in rhythm. After one or two sentences, wait for your partner to give feedback, raise concerns and ask questions. With a few “rounds of this dance” completed, even without consensus, you are more of a team.
As much as possible keep the flow of the conversation balanced. If your partner can’t get a word in, they will be too focused on their thoughts and not on your words. And you will suffer their interruptions.
Turning with #3. Find a win-win solution.
Before speaking, do a mental check on your expectations. If you expect to get all you want, without respect for your SO’s desires, you are in danger of losing your audience. Or are you so sure you are right, so passionate about the topic, so convinced of your superior knowledge that you can’t “turn with” and hear the other? Your SO deserves to be heard and understood. If the issue is complex don’t expect to solve it in one sitting. That is unrealistic and your desire to rush the finish line means you haven’t truly listened.
What is stellar is your ability to delay your pressing need to hear everything your SO wants to say on the subject. Imagine if you both cared equally about the other’s POV and the goal of consensus.
All of the above refers to “The how” of your conversation while the next few principles look closely at “The what” you are saying.
Turning with #4. Say what you mean.
Your clarity helps them understand. So take a few minutes to consider what you want them to hear and say that first. Your second statement is a request and your third is an alternative.
Be direct.
I am hurt when you joke about my cooking.
Please stop making me the subject of your humor.
Next time let’s discuss the meal before we entertain.
When we are hurt, angry, or excited, we can ramble, miss the point and leave the other person interpreting our emotions, not our words. Resulting in not being heard.
Turning with #5. Help them trust you.
If you are manipulative or controlling, your SO is already tuning you out with a net effect of your not being heard. Delete all the nefarious ways you try to get your way and gain the upper hand. Passive aggressive behavior, manipulation, and gaslighting cannot be part of your conversational toolbox.
Turning with #6. Don’t attack.
Your criticism, sarcasm, talking over, and even frowning and turning away are a few examples of how you push your SO away and close their ears to your words. Worse, your onslaught, triggers their defensive response, more aggression, or withdrawal, silencing any real communication.
Turning with #7. Talk about what matters to them.
It is easy to shut down the topics you are uncomfortable with, so schedule weekly time to talk about the issues that are under the rug and on their mind. You don’t have to agree with each detail but when you listen, ask questions, seek their direction, create an action plan, and follow through with needed changes, your SO is open ears. Their favorite words may be your question, “Do you have more to say?”
Turning with #8. Be positive.
If you have heard of clean eating, I will propose clean thinking to inspire “clean conversations.” Do you have a friend who is a gossip, judgemental or negative and you leave the conversation feeling drained and out of sorts? If that is you, resolve to tidy your thoughts and words so your SO will be energized and open to what you have to say.
There are a multitude of ways that the gap between speaking and hearing began. You can think of them as the universal and deadly silencing techniques that plague relationships. Here are a few final examples:
You can’t wait for them to finish and interrupt often enough, they lose their train of thought.
You raise your voice when you don’t like what they are saying.
You are a master of the eye roll, finger point, and cold shoulder.
When you are upset enough, you scream in frustration.
You can’t get a word in because you are overwhelmed with an emotional deluge.
You treat them to a hot blast of anger.
You use jargon that belongs to your special group.
You use subtle cues to shame, manipulate and cast doubt.
The best reason for “turning with” and having better conversations is that you love and respect your SO and want them to be happy. Which in turn makes you satisfied with your life. Wherever your relationship is today, listening so they know you hear and speaking so they will hear is the only good choice.