Accepting that the love of your life is impossible to live with may be the hardest and best decision you make
You are tired, lonely and confused. You have made some mistakes and they have too. Now you don’t know where to turn and worry your relationship is past the point of no return. Others have felt the way you do right now and found a way to understand where they are and what to do about it.
You don’t end a relationship because you are in a rough patch where the spark is flickering, you don’t agree or you are fighting. But if any of the above continue without intervention, the relationship itself becomes so toxic and painful that one of you will make an exit. Or worse, your heart will walk through the door while your body stays in the bedroom, kitchen and living room where you sleep, make meals, entertain and feel lonely and lost.
The relationship ends when they betray, say “I am sorry” and repeat their offenses..more than once. It ends because they are addicted and don’t commit to rehab. It really ends because they won’t talk about problems, collaborate on a plan to change and stick with it until you are both happier and out of the danger zone. It is the repeated disappointment and loss of hope that will propel you out the door.
Besides the partner who won’t participate in the change process, there are those who make a relationship strenuous and impossible. Here is a list.
They are not available.
They refuse to talk.
They manipulate.
They are selfish.
So when do you call it quits?
The relationship is dangerous.
When your partner is threatening and coercive, their anger is unmanaged and you don’t feel physically safe, you must leave as soon as possible. At that point, I imagine you have already suffered emotional and other abuse. No matter. Any serious threat to your health and well being requires you to walk away. Your responsibility for safety is even more significant if you have children to protect.
They are serial cheaters.
You may be willing to forgive your spouse who has cheated but if they are a repeat offender, it will be hard to rebuild trust. If you choose to stay in a relationship with a habitual cheater, avoid denial and rationalizing and protect yourself as much as you can.
They are dishonest.
Bella DePaulo (Ph.D., Harvard), the author of Behind the Door of Deceit, has studied lying in everyday life for more than 30 years. She says that 64% of serious lies involve relationship partners and the lies are in the area of betrayal. Lying, cheating and stealing are dangerous habits and if your SO is dishonest with others, they are likely to be dishonest with you when they have something to gain or something to hide. A relationship based on “what I can get away with” or “what they don’t know won’t hurt them.” is not worthwhile.
They are addicted and won’t change.
Life with an addict is heartbreaking and unrewarding and I have known some who continue in relationships where addiction is the number one partner in their threesome. So if you choose this road, do so with a clear understanding of the risks and seek out a support group to help you.
They don’t take responsibility.
The one who avoids taking responsibility is likely to be an expert at shifting blame and the relationship is perennially unbalanced. This can be exhausting when you arrive at the brick wall of excuses and defensiveness where issues are unacknowledged and solutions don’t materialize.