Denying the problems in your relationship today will lead to heartbreak tomorrow.
As a Couples Therapist, there are a few times I hear the clang of alarm bells, chief of which is my client ignoring their partners’ faults. Everyone has annoying habits, can be occasionally rude and neglectful, or have a personality that needs some polish. But you need to have eyes wide open to these and be prepared to live with them. After all, we have some faults of our own too.
Red flags are not pesky habits, the occasional faux pas, or poor manners. They are the issues that will cause you grief over and over again, harm your health, make you wonder why you stay and ultimately end your relationship. If you think I am exaggerating, talk to your friends who have learned, too late, the lessons of denial.
So what are the warning signs that I refer to?
They are not available.
A glaring problem is the one who disappears when you need them. You are moving at the end of the month, and they have had enough time to clear even a tight schedule yet you are alone with your faithful friends again. Your SO doesn’t just avoid moving day and heavy lifting, they seem to cherry-pick the activities to share with you, and you have to glorify modest events so they will consider them. Worse, you have to entertain and amuse them.
On the flip side, although you have been dating for some time, you are not automatically included in their invitations. In fact “going out with friends” is almost sacred and you can see in them a level of excitement you wish were reserved for you.
You are right to be worried and research agrees that time spent together is a valuable way to build a relationship. You aren’t happy now and you won’t be happy in the future if your partner has little time for you.
They don’t want to talk about it.
The inability, unwillingness, or neglect of communication has the net effect of reduced intimacy and the security and togetherness you dreamed of. Your SO may not understand its value so bring it to their attention and nip disconnection in the bud.
First, identify the problem scenarios. Is it that they shut down your concerns, and withdraw; or do they deflect and defend; or do they skirt the problems? Then invite them to work with you to make changes. Since effective communication is the key to a strong connection the partner who refuses change is hoisting a major red flag.
They win through manipulation.
Lying, gaslighting, passive-aggressive behavior, or threats and coercion are only a few examples of manipulation. You may have even seen this “winning at any cost” behavior in families, social settings corporate life, and the intimate relationships of others. However, you don’t want to treat this lightly as it is a form of abuse that shakes your confidence and undermines your mental health.
Don’t be the partner that makes excuses for your SO’s manipulation, tolerates them walking across your boundaries, and will do anything for a peaceful life.
A notable form of manipulation is the narcissist who alternatively floods and withdraws love and attention, keeping their partner firmly in the grip of control.
They are dishonest.
If you are in a relationship with someone who bends the truth conveniently, speak up now and let them know you won’t tolerate it. I am sure there are situations where the best of us will lie. But it must not be casual, unconscious, and thoughtless. Make it clear that dishonesty is a no-go.
They are selfish.
There are givers and takers in every relationship but imagine being paired for a lifetime with someone who has never learned to put others first, at least, sometimes. You may have the energy for two right now and certain that their positive traits outweigh their self-centredness but even your superpowers have their limits. Those limits will show up at the end of a long workday or when you are prepping for a job interview and they don’t say, ”I’ve got this.”
They don’t say “no” to substances.
However sweet and engaging your beau is if you have a sinking feeling that they can’t say “No,” you may need to say no to them. At first, they impress you by walking away after just a few, but over time that number gets bigger and their control dwindles. If you are looking for a lifetime partner you trust to be on time, put you first, and carry their weight, take a second look.
The trouble with addiction is that it is packaged with inconsistencies in your SO’s rule book, schedules, and routines. The addict in a household comes first because they have a bonafide disease. That means you come second and last.
Your SO with an addiction will treat you to anger and embarrassment, and compromise your mental health. They may be the reason you work two jobs and worry about your child’s college education. They may even threaten your safety while your support group says, “Don’t take it personally.”
The hardest thing you may have to do is walk away from the one who has everything you need and want, except for the major red flag.