He cheated on you. You didn’t end it with him. Here’s what comes next, according to a therapist.
https://www.yourtango.com/heartbreak/how-strong-women-hold-together-husbands-affiar
Picture Lana, a successful lawyer with a beautiful family, who discovers her husband’s affair through a heart-wrenching text message. Her first reaction was a pit in the stomach, head-shaking, eye-widening disbelief. It was clear from the tone, words, and bleeding-red heart emojis her husband was another woman’s lover.
It would be a full two months of tears, confrontation, and nights filled with torturous images of Steve with that woman before Lana could focus for any length of time or keep the tears from spilling into her coffee. In therapy, we worked through the issues together, and Lana surprisingly held her career together with dignity.
Couples therapy offered Lana and Steve a sanctuary amid the storm. It’s here that Lana sought answers: why did this happen, and what did Steve truly want? However, Steve’s weak response was both heart-stopping and eye-opening, “I don’t know why, and I don’t know what I want.”
Amid the turmoil, Lana had a moment of clarity. She poured her heart onto three journal pages, outlining her dreams of a happy family life, financial stability, and personal fulfillment. She made a firm decision: she wasn’t ready to give up on her family for a momentary lapse in judgment by her husband.
Her path towards resilience was clear. Lana resolved to stay married to Steve and protect her family life from crumbling under the weight of betrayal. This decision wasn’t easy. It required a courageous choice to prioritize her values over the pain.
Her first task was to convince Steve to choose her and the kids, and if that thought is uncomfortable for you, it was doubly so for Lana. She may not have had those many inconvenient conversations with Steve, except staying in her marriage was her decision, goal, choice, and response to a situation out of her control.
Next came the arduous task of overcoming the helplessness that often accompanies such a betrayal. Lana realized that while she refused to bear the blame for Steve’s affair, she held the power to decide her next steps. She chose to discard the victim mentality and embraced a sense of responsibility for her own life. Her two mantras became:
“This happened, it’s terrible, but I can overcome it and get what I want from life.”
“I did nothing wrong but I am fully responsible for my share of what happens next.”
When victimhood retreated, pride, bitterness, and anger subsided to make room for the vulnerability to confront the other woman.
Lana knew she couldn’t return to life as usual, and her first decision was to contact the other woman. This visit was not for lashing out or hearing more painful details. It was to help her accept the unthinkable, swallow the lump of hurt lodged in her throat, metabolize rejection, and establish a clear intention. As painful as it was, Lana’s prearranged visit had a positive outcome. There, over coffee, Lana shared family photos of children playing and explained, “This is our life. Please leave my husband alone.”
There were other good decisions. Restructuring their family responsibilities was well overdue. Historically, Steve took care of the finances and heavy jobs while Lana did everything else. So he had time for golf, darts, and hobbies while she navigated a never-ending to-do list that left no time for self-care, special interests, or just being Lana. This ended when household chores were redivided and shared equally, as well as responsibility for their boys.
Lana also committed to shared activities, creating time for family outings and new experiences. Gone were the days when Lana played superwoman leaping from one activity to another and doing it all.
With new boundaries established, Lana used her free time for professional development, accepting invitations, and spending time with friends. She also set aside time to exercise, revamped her wardrobe, and actively engaged in managing the family’s finances — no longer sheepishly following Steve’s decisions.
In a recent meeting, Lana admitted that something died in her the day she saw the fateful text, and she may never see Steve in the same light. She acknowledges that while Steve exhibits remorse and commitment, some scars may never fully heal. She says tears still well during a tender moment and that she does fake it when she can’t make it.
Through this tumultuous journey, Lana gained a deeper understanding. She recognized that while the affair was Steve’s choice, she, too, could have succumbed to similar temptations if she had let unchecked frustrations dictate her actions. She acknowledges the missed opportunities to say “I love you,” and her part in a connection that had been on life support for at least three years.
The old Lana and Steve were forever gone, and Lana determined their life would no longer be a script of outward success and inward decay. She aimed for a new and improved version, the kind of connection that could withstand outside attraction.
So now the couple have little rituals like greeting at the door, a shoulder massage at the kitchen sink, and a daily debrief to unwind. They smile more, tease more, sneak up on each other to say, “boo,” and couch wrestle. Peeking into their kitchen window you might see a wine bottle between two glasses and a man stirring the sauce while his wife dries the dishes.
Lana’s message is clear: the decision to stay in a marriage after infidelity is personal. If faced with a similar situation, she advises taking time to grieve, shedding the victim role, and making a well-thought-out decision. Assess the costs and benefits of staying and leaving — it might just lead to creating a new relationship connection that aligns with your true desires.