Let’s say you are walking in the park and stop to smell the lavender when you see a shadow that looks like a black bear. Your heart starts pounding, your chest feels like a block of wood, and you can’t think clearly, but you suddenly have the power to run like never before.
Humans as a species have survived because we are wired for the fight, flight, and freeze response, which means that when we perceive danger in our environment, our response is to attack (fight), run (flight), or hide (freeze).
This reflex was beneficial when we faced dangerous animals and warring opponents because it triggered the release of chemicals and hormones that provided superhuman strength and endurance. However, it all becomes problematic when the brain perceives everyday events, like office workloads, children’s demands, and weekend tasks, as if they were a dangerous threat. This perception causes symptoms like a racing heart and throat tightness, which can place a strain on the body and lead to a state of disease.
I have used the analogy of the black bear for decades because it is a way to understand that our fears/ anxieties are not dangerous and when we manage our perception of what is threatening, we can live relatively anxiety-free. Unless you are being chased by a tiger, or black bear or have a weapon pointed in your direction, it is time to face down your fears and manage anxiety.
As brilliant as our brain is, it won’t override the survival instinct and introduce logic. So without intervention, we can catastrophize, generalize negatively, mind read and live in the chaos of constant worry and never enough.
We don’t face life-threatening situations daily, but the mind can escalate an ordinary conversation with your boss into a threat, and your child’s mistakes into a compromise of his future. So treating anxiety is about uncovering the mind’s tendency to catastrophize everyday events and remind yourself this is not such a big deal. Faced with my anxiety, I keep a few phrases handy,
Others have faced this and worse, I can do it.
It may be hard but I can ask for help.
I can let go of this too.
I am doing my best, and that is enough.
Everything works out in the end.
When you repeat these messages often enough, your mind cooperates and retrieves them the next time you face a stressful incident. It helps if you believe these messages.
Black bears, in reality, are not as aggressive as their appearance suggests, but to the average person, they may be the scariest threat. The first way to tame the black bear, therefore, is to remind yourself, that they are “no big deal.”
We need to believe we are more powerful than the threats (black bears) in our lives, and the absolute best way to do that is to rehearse our successes. So go ahead and remind yourself of the time when you asked for a raise and got it, turned your back on an unhealthy friendship, or changed the course of a relationship that was going poorly. Select those areas of your life you have struggled in and list your successes. This is one of the best ways I know to build realistic and balanced self-esteem.
A few years ago, I overheard my 12-year-old granddaughter in conversation with cousins who were taking turns outshining each other. She said, “I am not a strong swimmer, I can’t skate well, but I am very smart in school.” The boys were silenced by her simple truth. Focusing on our strengths and maintaining a positive self-view defies social comparison and creates a mindset that stands up to black bears.
To view the world with a can-do attitude means believing in ourselves and that we have what it takes to deal with the obstacles. Keep these powerful self-statements top of mind while keeping them real.
I am good enough.
I love and accept myself.
I appreciate my skills and abilities.
I am capable of achieving what I want
I can deal with whatever situations I face.
It is not enough to say these, we must act as if they are true. Taking responsibility for your actions, decisions, mistakes, and misunderstandings is the next step.
There is real power in saying, “Yes, I did it,” and by avoiding weak excuses and explanations, you have overcome your fear of failure, loss, and weakness. Responsibility brings self-respect that catapults you into a zone of competence that overwhelms your black bears and sends a strong message to your brain.
I am responsible for everything I do, including my thoughts, words, actions, and outcomes.
Others are responsible for their thoughts, words, actions and results.
Even when I don’t look good, I keep myself accountable.
I am responsible for nurturing and supporting those around me.
Fortunately, most of us will not experience the entire list of symptoms, but anxiety symptoms include heart palpitations, shortness of breath, sweating, shaking, nausea, dizziness, and difficulty concentrating. However, being aware of the symptoms in the early stages, grounding yourself by doing something safe, and taking slow, deep breaths will help you cope until you have addressed the underlying causes. You can and should address the sources of your anxiety because, if left uncontrolled, it will escalate, affect other areas of your life, and jeopardize your ability to feel well.
After you’ve brought your anxieties under control, cultivate respectful and nurturing relationships at work, home, and in your social circles that promote a healthy and manageable lifestyle. The two keys to this are the good conversations that ask for what you need and the boundaries that insist on it. When your key relationships are working well, you are not overburdened or overwhelmed.
When your black bears are tamed, and in the distance, keep it so. The decisions you make at this stage are proactive, growth growth-oriented. You seek opportunities to build better, relationships, learn new skills and improve existing capabilities.
My hope is that every person who feels overwhelmed, stressed by life’s demands, triggered by past stressors or experiencing any level of anxiety to accept that their condition is treatable when they recognize that it is only our survival instinct that has engineered a perception has created there are no black bears other than those our brain says there are.
Where anxiety helped us to survive the wild, it will not help us navigate a happy long-lasting life with the ingredients that make it meaningful.